Jan 24

What is home?

January 24, 2019

With as much as we loved our condo, I never thought we would ever consider selling it and moving. Little did I know, my plans needed to change to match God’s.

In the midst of travels and hospital stays during the last half of 2018, we learned so much about Thad’s brain injury and how to best help him. His new neurologist is simply amazing and I will be forever grateful he walked into Thad’s ER visit in July 2018 – completely life changing. He ran tests and asked questions no one had in the 2 years since his accident!

One of the tests was an ambulatory EEG that showed some weird flashes (yes there is a medical term the doctor used) that were not seizures – so Dr Dike referred us to another specialist who wanted to see the same tests in a very controlled hospital setting. Coming home from a trip to the results we got was definitely not expected.

We found out the weird flashes were actually some variation of a startle response … at the condo he averages 2 an hour every hour of every day and so his brain is always on high alert. At the hospital it happened once and it was when someone dropped a tray outside of his room. It was a first for the doctor to tell a patient moving was the best solution if we couldn’t better sound proof.

In looking into soundproofing – costs started in the $50k range with no guarantees. Obviously – the house hunt began with the number one item on the list being QUIET! Our real estate agent gave us some areas to go look and some ideas to ponder as I began the process of making a huge decision for us.

Honestly – that was the scariest part of it all … I felt like I had to make the decision mostly on my own and it had to be right for Thad’s health as well as for us financially. Thad was able to give input on what he liked, but his brain can no longer process all the moving parts or physically understand the pros and cons of all of it. The pressure was intense – and thank you Jesus for an incredible agent, the best mortgage guy for us on the plane, and a financial planner who were all willing to jump into this mess with me!

After many neighborhoods – and every corner of the DFW metroplex, we decided on an active adults community. Building from scratch would give us time to sell and figure out details, and hopefully smoothly settle in vs the frantic need to get it all done in a couple weeks – though I know that will still happen at some level because well – its a move! We are heading to Frisco Lakes, a Del Webb subdivision. This is our back patio today and if all goes according to plan, we will get to move in sometime in May.

What we’ve learned in the past few months is that home is actually inside us. It is where we are together with the boys. Its more than walls, sheetrock and a location. It is the love, togetherness and support that we offer each other. Where we bond, huddle, love and serve each other whatever that needs to look like on any given day. So while we say goodbye to all of the amazing things God did in and through the condo, we look forward to everything that will happen at our new home. Who knows – maybe this patio will be a huge part of it. We can’t wait to see!

Dec 02

Who is Momma Bear?

Part of our humanity is the roles we have, the roles we take and the roles we create for ourselves.  My first roles were daughter then I became a friend, and eventually I became a sister.

As we grow up, our roles change and evolve – where do you live? what do you like? what do you do for fun? who are your friends?  do you play sports? do you have a boyfriend? where are you going to college? what is your major? what do you do for a living?  are you married? for how long? how many kids do you have?

The mom question was always the kicker for me.  How do you answer that question when you’ve been married for years and it was a longing that God chose not to fulfill?  For a while, when we thought adoption was a possibility, I’d joke that we were practicing parenthood with my fur babies.  As medical challenges continued and the door on adoption continued to close, my go to was to shut down and retreat deep inside.   Then the pain would bubble to the surface and tears would accompany the standard Yes I’ve been married for what seems like forever and no mom isn’t a role I have.  It’s taken a really really really long time to be ok with that because when Thad and I got married – we both wanted children.  Our parents wanted to be grandparents. And God said no to mom because He wanted me to become momma bear to many!  It’s one of my most cherished roles behind His daughter and wife!

The role of momma bear is one God eased me into and then said GO! The first time I was referred to as “momma” was almost 20 years ago in my corporate role of European Communications Manger of all places.  I was prepping my sales team for a big tradeshow in Munich and though they were brilliant seasoned professionals, most of them had never worked a tradeshow and had minimal communications training.   We spent the week together all over the place with emotions – arguing about doing it my way with my rules, excitement of meeting new people, creating hiding places for them to take a break, pumping them up for the big cocktail parties out and quiet dinners as a team, to celebrating big wins and a wildly successful show when it was all over. My European salesmen thanked me for being their momma for a week – that they didn’t know at the time being challenged would help them grow.

It was my first time to let the momma bear loose and I realized what a gift I could be in this role.   It served me well in my career, my service, my ministry, my friendships, my neighborhood … The God given assets of my momma bear include

  • fierce loyalty
  • compassion
  • bold truth teller
  • protectiveness
  • nurturer and encourager
  • and most importantly a deep love

Im excited to see how my momma bear shows up to love others well throughout my lifetime!

Oct 08

Tahitian Dreams

Taha'a with my family

Once in a lifetime opportunities are magical moments and you never know when they will happen or how they will change you. My mom gave our family a memory that will last forever! We had 16 days together and had a glimpse of heaven in the people and place of French Polynesia. We had an overnight in LA to play and start to relax. It also helped to break up the flight across the pacific and into the Southern Hemisphere. Arriving in Tahiti and boating over to Moorea was surreal … there was so much God created beauty and we all loved the feeling of drowning in His glory. Arriving to the hotel and the open air splendor – the sights, the smells, the sounds – everything was melting away anything that wasn’t the absolute truth of who we are. The process of becoming exactly who God made started that instant – I was in awe of how different we all “felt” getting in touch with the connection to our senses. To bring in tastes, we were escorted to our first meal, breakfast, and it set the stage for how incredible all of our food would be …

We made our way to our overwater bungalow and I immediately had to climb down the ladder to get my feet in the ocean. It was the moment I knew it was real and I would never be the same again. Over the first few days, we played in the water, going on whale watching tour and saw momma and baby hump back whales, dolphins, sting rays, little reef sharks; we played on land, renting a car and driving all around the whole island seeing real life, markets, views from the top of Belvedere, fun shops, a variety of pearls, tikis, chickens, more fruits, foliage, flowers and heavenly food. The pace of life in Moorea, the joy of the people, the peace of everything was the best way to be introduced to the culture and the simplicity of Ia’Orana.

We made our way to Tahiti for the next part of our journey. A few days with the more modern Polynesian flair. We did the straw market, the Pearl Museum, the shops, the flower mart … lots of time in the pool , the lagoon and on our balcony … it was fun to see Moorea from a different perspective and relax even more. We were already a week into vacation, completely adjusted and adapted to Polynesian life, when it was time to board the Paul Gaugin.

It was the ship Thad and I had seen a special on a couple years into our marriage. It’s a small ship dedicated to the culture of the islands – 332 passengers max with 217 crew and only the islands. We had said we wanted to sail for our 25th Anniversary – turns out we were on the ship for the 25th anniversary of the day we met vs our 25th wedding anniversary! The cruise introduced us to the intricacies of each island.

  • Huahine – there were only 8 on the tour and we visited a working pearl farm and then our guide invited us to his home to snorkel and have a snack together – fresh coconut and bananas picked on their property and fresh squeezed juice – oh my word!
  • Bora Bora – we did something I never thought I would ever consider – I swam with huge sharks, saw a 15′ Manta Ray, was surrounded by schools of fish and then bought my self a crown of shells to remember who I am.
  • Taha’a – going to a vanilla plantation and understanding why it so amazing was so good, seeing all the ways that every single part of the coconut gets used, and the catamaran took us to a private island. As a family, we made the decision to hire a ships photographer so we could capture everything of the vacation … and have the pictures to prove and remember all that we learned about ourselves and each other.
  • Moorea – we closed out the cruise back on our island. We swam with the dolphins that were our bungalow neighbors with during our stay, we got tattoos and celebrated with a Grand Polynesian night watching Wally learn the traditional dances and I learned how to make the flower crowns.

A tour of the island of Tahiti closed out our adventure. We had an afternoon on our first ever black sand beach before preparing to head back home. Most people only dream of a trip like this … the time to stand in paradise … My mom gave our family the top of the line luxury, every experience you could dream of, sensory beauty that can’t be found anywhere else on earth, love laughter and everything our souls needed to find deep rest.

“When you see the southern cross for the first time. You understand now why you came this way” are the song lyrics I sang my whole life – and it is true. I think we are all French Polynesian at some level and we got to go home for a couple weeks to remember who we are; and that is something that I will cherish forever.

Sep 05

Where are you?

It always leaves me in awe how God shows up … This past weekend it was during my 3Q reflections.  I looked back on the year and then plan for what is to come! 

It’s a quarterly process I enjoy.  A chance to see where I’ve been, be grateful for each part of the journey so far and make sure that I am still going where I want to go.  Nothing like picking a destination and busting it to get there only to realize that it isn’t really where I want to be!

God showed up – BIGTIME!

I’ve been hanging out in John 6 and all the lessons of the 5 loaves and 2 fish story – the perfect start to my Labor Day Reflection weekend … the reminder that the blessing comes in the breaking!!!

So looking at my year to date list – wow! so many victories… so many struggles.. so much change… all leading up to so much comfort seeking!

  • Tweaked food choices to honor and nurture my health – more veggies, dramatic reduction of processed foods especially sugar
  • TBI Roller Coaster – trying to work, it wasn’t working, took a break, tests indicate that work probably is over for quite a while
  • 2 months of medical fun from a spider bite – cellulitis and staph infections with a GI shutdown -oh my!
  • Surprise hospital stay for hunkyman then a surprise surgery for me
  • Business growth spurt requiring a new level of leadership – the fleshly desire to stay small and hidden
  • A significant conflict that hasn’t fully resolved yet – relationships are just messy; even more so when we humans get in the way!
  • My mind’s and my body’s need to rest and recover

And how did I respond? Sometimes with praise – sometimes with gratitude – sometimes with my I’m ok mask – sometimes with yucky self talk – and this last week, I allowed food to creep back in as an idol and comfort again.

It looks different than the past both in quantity and quality and the reality of my behavior was so much faster than normal.  And then the yuck – the emotional root is the same – I allowed my mind to go to a place of “I’m being punished” vs “I’m just different.” Instead of enjoying all of the good stuff that nourishes and supports my body, I focused on what was available for others to eat and what I couldn’t because of genetics, allergies, intolerances and sensitivities.  Could I have eaten all the stuff – yes – and It is 100% my choice what I eat and when.  I choose to eat in a way that honors my body and I let my mind run wild twisting the situation into something against me personally.  I let comparison be the loudest voice. I listened to that instead of His truth. I began seeking comfort and feeling “better” outside of Jesus!

And thank you Lord for new mercies every morning. Thank you for your Word.  After the 5 loaves and 2 fish story in  John 6, the disciples are sent out into the sea to go on their next assignment.  Short version – there is a storm, some wigging out, and the reminder that Jesus is there!  Thank you God for conviction and clarity. Thank you for yanking me off of the self pity path. Thank you for a bold reminder of how much you love me during my quiet time. Thank you for getting back in the boat to take me to the exact spot I need to go!  2018 – I am no where near done with you yet!

 

In the evening his disciples went down to the sea, got in the boat, and headed back across the water to Capernaum. It had grown quite dark and Jesus had not yet returned. A huge wind blew up, churning the sea. They were maybe three or four miles out when they saw Jesus walking on the sea, quite near the boat. They were scared senseless, but he reassured them, “It’s me. It’s all right. Don’t be afraid.” So they took him on board. In no time they reached land—the exact spot they were headed to.

John 6:16-21 MSG

Aug 11

Take Care of You

Over the past couple weeks, I was asked “Who is going to take care of you?” More times than I thought possible.  After pondering extensively,  I admit I honestly didn’t understand the question.

 

What does taking care of me really mean?  

 

I took it to mean the very basic –  recovery … All the do’s and dont’s the doctor gave me for after surgery – yes the timelines and checklist.  My organized self loves them, and my soul knows there is so much more!

My friends this week reminded my soul to honor me through self care beyond a physical checklist.  It’s my physical needs as well as the emotional, mental and spiritual parts of me too.   It’s the full experience of rest!

  • The reminder that this, that or the other thing can wait.  
  • Allowing my brain to turn off the to-do list to focus on healing.  
  • Taking naps.
  • Pleasure reading.  
  • Quiet time with Jesus.
  • Hanging out on the couch with all my boys.
  • Saying no to someone else’s agenda for now.
  • Recognizing that my need to heal is my top priority.

Years of therapy, followed by coaching and digging into the truth of who God is and what that belief means for me – and I can still hear the lies of an adult child of an alcoholic:  everyone else first – my needs don’t count.  

I am so grateful to friends and the support and reminders they offered me this week.  When I started down that path – they spoke truth.  When I struggled with the truth – they showed up and stayed with me.  They listened and loved me well.  I took care of me and accepted help to make sure Thad was covered too.  Progress is the new perfection – and today I’m celebrating the progress made in the battle of the mind this week!

 

The world is unprincipled. It’s dog-eat-dog out there! The world doesn’t fight fair. But we don’t live or fight our battles that way—never have and never will. The tools of our trade aren’t for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture. We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity.

2 Corinthians 10:3-6 MSG

May 18

Z is for Zeal, Zest or Zealous

Your journey to success will take many twists and turns.  There isn’t only one path and you may find yourself thrown onto a path you never expected to be on …. Trust the journey is going to take you to a greater place of accomplishment than you ever imaged.

Live with Zeal!

This is your passion, your fire, your love, devotion, enthusiasm, eagerness, and intensity in your pursuit of your dream.  Some may call it fanaticism and may call you crazy … let them!!!!  You stay focused with your eyes on your prize.

So many people have dreams that never see the light of day … but that isn’t you.  It never will be. You have things you want in life that are so much bigger than yourself or the stuff you can surround yourself with. You choose each and every day to live your life with great enthusiasm, energy and purpose.

You know that you are on this planet to love, to serve and to connect – you are a part of a bigger plan and your role was created for you alone. You live with gusto and face the challenges, roadblocks, and detours  of your life as an adventure.  You allow your experiences to add meaning to your life.

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. ~Ephesians 2:10

There are things in this life that we will work for … things we want to accomplish … things we want to do!  My prayer for you on your journey to success is that you always remember that your destination isn’t about the destination itself.  It is the way you are grown, molded and shaped along the journey.  It is about the people’s lives that will change because they know your journey – whether they are a part of it directly or hear about it after the fact.  There is something deep inside you, an emotional experience you will have when you arrive.  Find that and then go walk through walls to get it …. Know that you created it … You will love it … and I can not wait to hear all about it.

May 15

Y is for You

What makes you different? unique? special? capable? gifted? talented? It all adds up to one simple truth –

You’ve got this!

You see you were created as YOU specifically.  You have your story.  You were set apart. You have your own wants, needs, likes, dislikes … You are the only you!

You have everything you need to be, do or accomplish anything.  It may be fun to partner with people with different strengths and gifts BUT GOD gave you your dreams and your vision for your future with all the provision you need to birth them, follow them, explore them, expand them, chase them, accommplish them, live them, share them …. your dreams are yours for the making!

Trust God! Love yourself! Live full out! Dream big! Pray bigger! Take action! Work hard! Do you! Be you!

Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don’t be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. He will see to it that all the work related to the Temple of the Lord is finished correctly. ~1 Chronicles 28:20

May 13

Happy Mother’s Day

How is it that one single day can bring up a bazillion different emotions because of the name we gave it!  Mother’s Day.

I can celebrate that my mom is still here when last summer we were told that she might not make it until Christmas.  I can feel a little melancholy while I cherish every moment knowing this could be my last day to physically celebrate the woman who gave me life.

I can grieve with my friends that are in the middle of infertility struggles.

I can cry with the mom’s who have a child in heaven before them.

I can share the joy with friend’s being celebrated as mom for the first time.

I can sit in hope with those mom’s that are growing their little ones on the inside and mourn with those who never got to see their babies take a breath.

I can hold hands with the mom who made the courageous decision to give their child life when they could not care for them personally.

I can sit in awe at the foster and adoption mom’s that love as if they gave birth to their children.

I can be grateful for the blended family moms who chose the family package deal.  You don’t know the pain or the pleasure that will come with that decision though I believe you tap into a whole new area of love as you walk that road.

I can hold in high regard the mom-inlaws … they raised their children to then let them go to become a family as they choose their spouse and continue living.  The possibility of adding another child 20 to 30 years into a parenting journey can’t be easy, but then, with God all things are possible.

There are as many stories and emotions as there are women on the planet.  I have friends in all the different stages of motherhood that I listed …. and for many of them, all I can do is pray for God to give me empathy and compassion as I live life with them. God’s got all moms too!

One of the most frequent questions I get is “How many kids do you have?” I guess there is something about my vibe that indicates that I have children (the two legged human kind).  Though I guess that is not surprising.  As I was growing up, I though God really wanted me to be a mom.  That was my goal and dream for over 20 years.

At 29, I had to have an emergency hysterectomy.  My chance to carry, birth and raise my own child ended.  All of the surgery preparations focused on adopting and preparing paperwork to move forward.  What we didn’t know then, was the surgery opened up a whole new world of medical issues that made me ineligible to adopt.  I questioned everything in my life during that season all the way down to my femininity and value as a woman, a wife and a daughter.

I am never going to claim understand why God chose this as my path.  I do understand deeply, that God’s plan is always perfect even when it doesn’t make sense to me.  His timing is always perfect, even if it doesn’t match my plans.  And God’s love and grace are far beyond anything imaginable.  He gently carried me through my own grief and showed me the importance of being a spiritual mom, a special aunt, or momma bear when someone needs you to just be with them in whatever hot mess the world has thrown at them ….

God took “mom” and turned it into love well and serve others no matter what.  Give care ~ Now 18 years later, when the longing comes in and a friend has a baby and now friends having grandbabies, He still holds me and reminds me that I am on His perfect path for me.  He gave me my ability to feel so many mixed emotions deeply this mothers day … to honor Him, today, I choose to laugh, smile and bond with other dog mommas as I plan to watch “my boys” wrestle and play with friends at the dog park.  Find your joy … Celebrate life and love well today!

 

May 10

X is for X-Factor

There are going to be things you encounter on your success journey that you have absolutely no control over.  Your response and reactions can propel you forward or bring you to a grinding halt!

 YOU are your own x-factor!

Your mindset – your thoughts and beliefs will make or break you.  It doesn’t matter if what happens is really really good or really really bad.  Either direction – when there is a bump in the road, any bit of wonkiness, the wheels fall completely off, or if your DeLorean takes flight and you no longer need roads – it is you that will determine your success in these moments.

I believe that we take 100% ownership of everything in our lives, things can change for the better.  I also believe that we are exactly where we are meant to be.  I had a lot of wrestling to get to this place.  It would be easy to blame my business delays, the necessary shift in our financial goals, and even the changes in our social circles on Thad’s accident and on the other driver.  I didn’t want this change in my life and I thought my life was pretty good.  BUT GOD wanted me to grow … to rely on Him more … to get uncomfortable … because He wants me in a different place!

If I stay externally focused, I can very easily work my way to an analysis paralysis starting with blaming and complaining moving right on through to anger and if left unchecked, their is a rage filled hellion that can make her presence known.  And none of that has anything to do with the TRUTH of who I am!

Things won’t always go your way.  They will quite possibly be some really bad things that happen to you or around you in your life. Train yourself now for how you will respond – Create your x-factor! Know who you are.  Choose today to move your life forward.  Take those thoughts captive – wrestle with them and make them obedient to Christ.  If my life doesn’t look like I want it to – I am the only person that can change it!  God gave me big girl panties for a reason – Action over fear y’all!  Choose you.  Be you.  Do you!

 

May 08

W is for Wait

The absolute hardest part of any success journey is the waiting … and there are 2 universal truths with waiting.  Number one – no matter what, there is always waiting! and number two:

It is worth the wait!

Wait for it – You are on a quest to fulfill a God given dream and He wants it more for you than you want it for yourself. Remember – it is God’s mighty power at work within you to accomplish infinitely more than we would ask or imagine.  He know what details need to be in place for it to be the fulfillment of all He wants for you.

You will be grown in the waiting.  We have traits that we need to grow as well as traits that need to be removed … This transformation is the something incredible that happens deep inside as we persevere through the waiting.  We are grown into who we need to become to live abundantly in the fulfillment of our success.

A third universal truth about waiting His timing is always perfect!!!!  We might have everything planned out and we know what we need to do to make it happen so we take off running.  When it doesn’t happen on our timeline – so often we quit or decide that it wasn’t for us in the first place … change your deadline not the goal and keep running!  Winners never quit.  Work for it!  Wait for it!  Bask in the blessing and celebrate when the time is right!